Lately, I have been struggling with jealousy. I am surrounded by amazing men and women of God who are older than I am and Iam able to go to them for advice. I have three pastor's in my life who are passionate about loving God and loving others, and I am surrounded by friends who have amazing parents who love, encourage, and support them in all that they do. So what am I jealous of...? Them.
I wish that I had those men and women of God in my life as my parents. I wish the way that they encourage me, and I see them encourage their children was the way that I have a relationship with my parents... but it is not. My mother has PTSD as well as other issues, and my father and step-mother just seem to be socially awkward. My mother never leaves the house, and has not seen me perform in one venue or another in about 7 years. My father has not seen me perform in around 9 years. It really hit me recently when I was talking to my step mother about what my wife has been going through, and how it has been affecting our lives and her response was "Really? That's really weird." Really weird? You have got to be kidding me!! I am telling you that my wife is having MRI's and may be having seizures, and your response is that's really weird? No ounce of compassion, no care, no concern, just nothing...
I find it very funny how your parents, at any point in your life, can make you feel like every decision you make for your families well being is the dumbest thing they have ever heard. Just saying...
So...This is how I have been feeling lately, and there is more, but then I think of my friends Dennis and Joey... who have lost parents, and would probably give anything to have them, and here I am complaining about mine. This makes me feel very ungrateful, and I am being ungrateful. Everyone has issues, including our parents.
Lastly, I have been jealous of some of the Godly men in my life. Kevin, Tim, Justin, Jared, Dennis, etc. are all amazing dudes that I have the pleasure of calling friends and they have some huge qualities that I wish I had. I want to focus mainly on Pastor Justin. Watching him preach this last weekend really made me want to be like him; he is so passionate about the gospel and loving people and simplifying his life. I love it! But when I stop to think about how he lives and why he lives that way, it is simple: Jesus. Why am I so fixated on being like Justin when he is fixated on Jesus! I want to be fixated on Jesus!
Lord, help me be more like you.
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Josh, I am so encouraged by your blog. To be honest, I don't read blogs... which makes me some kind of hypocrite because I ask everyone to read mine, but, I have been with you since day one on this journey and I want to thank you for embarking.
ReplyDeletePlease know there is something more going on when people that you love and love you in return show a lack of compassion or concern for your life, it doesn't not come from a disinterest in your life, it comes from a discontentment of theirs. There are years and suppressed feelings, hurts, emotions, joys, traits that eventually die and rot, these rotten remains then begin to stink, horribly. It is a stench that you experience rather than smell which makes it all the more putrid.
My dad came to my fourth show, so drunk that he floated there and home. I still have a note from him in a bible at home that he gave to one of my best friends to give to me; he promised that he would attend my CD release show and the note said "sorry son, i'm too tired to go. break a leg." I was always heart broken at his lack of involvement or willingness to be present. My mom was a little better she would come watch me perform on occasion but never got to see me speak. I'll never forget, I was speaking ten minutes from my moms house at Maryvale high school. She was going through treatment and I knew that this could be one of the last opportunities for her to see me at my best but, she was "too tired" from the treatment. I'll always wish she could have seen me. My parents did not neglect my nagging wish for them to be supportive because they lacked a love for me, it was because they lacked a confidence, an esteem that would allow them to be free to the desires of others.
You aren't ungrateful, you want your parents to be THERE not just alive. We all carry a different burden and we all have different abilities. Dude, there are thousands of people that live in a ten mile radius of you that would give all ten toes to play the guitar with half of the grace that you play with. We all hope to be skilled, innovative and effective at whatever it is we are running after, and you are all of those things when you stand behind six strings. I understand what you mean about Justin, life almost appears effortless for the guy, like he is on a different spiritual planet than the rest of us but, if he were willing to share these parts of his heart that you are sharing it is very likely that some of the words would be interchangeable.
There are a great deal of people that I have drifted a way from over the last year and only a few that I miss. You are one of the men that I miss dearly. You are genuine, compassionate, loving and wound a little tight all things that I miss dearly. I hope to one day soon reunite with consistency.
I love you sir, please do not cheat this journey. Let me know how I can pray for you and your family.
dennis
thank you brother. I very much honor your friendship and respect your thoughts. I love you very much and look forward to hanging out soon.
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